On choking
On choking
Real adversity, overwhelming realities, and the humbling of men
Real adversity, overwhelming realities, and the humbling of men
Sep 24, 2024
There’s no other way of putting it.
I’m choking.
I had a very rough weekend followed by that all familiar headache on monday. I’m experiencing dread and fear of strange proportions. That slow swim on Sunday really has me shook. It’s embarrassing. But that’s the least of my worries today.
It dawned on me that i haven’t yet experienced real adversity during this project. Yes, the hamstring tear was bad, That July climb was also bad. but they both happened months and months away from go time.
An approaching time limit makes it entirely different. Worlds different. I feel it in my fingers and chest and knees. Heaviness, nausea, numbness. I’m burnt-out. I haven’t much energy and that is making me especially vulnerable to all these negative thoughts. I feel defeated, shamed and humbled. I feel Broken.
A few weeks ago I experienced something strange. I lost the ability to do a workout on the indoor trainer. I just can’t get myself to do it anymore.
After Sundays swim, I don’t want to swim anymore. I can, I just don’t want to anymore. I went to the pool this morning. My headphones gave out. I did 200m and went home. I’m out of resolve.
Mind you, the lessons I’ve learned throughout this journey have stuck with me. Hard earned lessons never go away. I know what I’m experiencing. This is just good ol’d burnout. Yes, I might not have what it takes for the swim. That might objective fact if it turns out to be true. But it’s no reason to feel hosed like I just lost a war. I have a lot of work this week because last week I didn’t do enough. I have guests coming over and I have paperwork to be done and I have so much on my plate. Objectively, I’m simply overwhelmed. The fact that I can sit here and dissect this while I’m in the midst of it astounding. It’s like formulating a strategy while watching the dust clouds of the approaching mongol horde. Takes a lot, I imagine.
So yes. I’m just overwhelmed. That’s objectively true. The 150k ride on Sunday also left my body in a state of shock. I wrote about it already. I’m in a rough shape. Strangely, I feel that heaviness in my arms and that horrible tingle in my fingers, but my body feels very fit. I am totally prepared to go run an hour right now. I just can’t do it for scheduling reasons. I digress.
There’s no other way of putting it.
I’m choking.
I had a very rough weekend followed by that all familiar headache on monday. I’m experiencing dread and fear of strange proportions. That slow swim on Sunday really has me shook. It’s embarrassing. But that’s the least of my worries today.
It dawned on me that i haven’t yet experienced real adversity during this project. Yes, the hamstring tear was bad, That July climb was also bad. but they both happened months and months away from go time.
An approaching time limit makes it entirely different. Worlds different. I feel it in my fingers and chest and knees. Heaviness, nausea, numbness. I’m burnt-out. I haven’t much energy and that is making me especially vulnerable to all these negative thoughts. I feel defeated, shamed and humbled. I feel Broken.
A few weeks ago I experienced something strange. I lost the ability to do a workout on the indoor trainer. I just can’t get myself to do it anymore.
After Sundays swim, I don’t want to swim anymore. I can, I just don’t want to anymore. I went to the pool this morning. My headphones gave out. I did 200m and went home. I’m out of resolve.
Mind you, the lessons I’ve learned throughout this journey have stuck with me. Hard earned lessons never go away. I know what I’m experiencing. This is just good ol’d burnout. Yes, I might not have what it takes for the swim. That might objective fact if it turns out to be true. But it’s no reason to feel hosed like I just lost a war. I have a lot of work this week because last week I didn’t do enough. I have guests coming over and I have paperwork to be done and I have so much on my plate. Objectively, I’m simply overwhelmed. The fact that I can sit here and dissect this while I’m in the midst of it astounding. It’s like formulating a strategy while watching the dust clouds of the approaching mongol horde. Takes a lot, I imagine.
So yes. I’m just overwhelmed. That’s objectively true. The 150k ride on Sunday also left my body in a state of shock. I wrote about it already. I’m in a rough shape. Strangely, I feel that heaviness in my arms and that horrible tingle in my fingers, but my body feels very fit. I am totally prepared to go run an hour right now. I just can’t do it for scheduling reasons. I digress.
